Few behaviors are more frustrating and difficult to understand than chronic lying and stealing. As parents and caregivers, we take these behaviors so personally and want them to stop so desperately that we often resort to knee-jerk punitive responses. Punishing trauma and fear-driven behaviors, however, only make matters worse. So how do we create the wanted change to the unwanted behavior?
Connection before correction.
Our kids need connection most when their behavior least invites it. There are a multitude of reasons a child may engage in these behaviors. Although it’s important to understand what is behind the behavior (e.g., it has not been safe for them to tell the truth, or they cannot trust adults to provide for their needs), we can’t get to the core issue(s) if a child or youth isn’t feeling safe, secure, and connected.
Here are some strategies to help:
- Offer reassurance that everything will be okay (although there may be natural consequences)
- Consistently demonstrate it is safe to tell the truth
- Gently approach conversations when you are both calm and regulated
- Get curious about what may be behind the behavior (e.g., past trauma, impulsivity, anxiety, insecurity, fear, triggers)
- Remember it’s not personal, nor is it a moral issue, it is usually about felt safety
- Give second chances and discuss how they can make it better choices going forward
- Provide positive reinforcement for honesty and taking responsibility
Also, remember that an understanding and compassionate response doesn’t mean you condone unacceptable behavior. Acknowledging that you see them struggling and want to help them work through it can provide the needed reassurance to create positive change. These types of behaviors most likely will not change overnight, so as a parent or caregiver, practicing patience and remaining hopeful for better days ahead will be beneficial for you and your family. If you need additional resources, feel free to reach out to our Resource Specialists at 414-475-1246 or info@coalitionforcyf.org. We are here to help support you throughout your parenting or caregiving journeys.
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