Understanding Ambiguous Loss in Foster Care and Adoption: The Importance of Maintaining Connections

We sometimes spend life wondering what could have been. What would my life have been like if I hadn’t had that fight with my sister that led to her disappearing from my life? What would it be like if I had kept in touch with my father after my parents’ difficult divorce? These are examples of ambiguous loss—feelings of grief, confusion, and distress about the lost person or relationship.

Ambiguous loss is common in foster care and adoption. Birth parents experience it when a child is removed from their home. Adoptive parents may feel ambiguous loss when they mourn who the child may have been without the experience of trauma. Children placed in care experience multiple losses. The effects of these losses can impact all relationships moving forward. These struggles may include building trust, maintaining relationships, depression, anxiety, and family conflict. Children in foster care, relative care, and those who were adopted are challenged by a loss that is unique. They may spend a great deal of time wondering about their birth parents, “Are they OK? Do they ever think of me? Will they forget me?”

When caregivers and adoptive parents maintain contact with birth parents, a powerful message is sent to children: “Your birth parents are important to you and are a part of who you are. We recognize their importance to you.” Ongoing relationships also assist children in dealing with loyalty conflicts, as all the adults involved confirm their roles in the child’s life. Very often, the positive relationships between adults can actually deepen the attachment between children and their adoptive parents or caregivers.

Please see the resources listed below to learn more about the importance of maintaining connections.

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