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We often reflect the trauma, grief, and loss connected with foster care and adoption. Have you thought about how shame may contribute to challenging behaviors? Unfortunately, children in our care may blame themselves for their family’s separation or have feelings of shame about their resulting behaviors. It is crucial for parents to communicate in a way that focuses on compassion and connection, rather than shame and blame. If you can approach conversations in a curious, rather than judgmental, way, you will create a safe space for your children.
Behaviors that present as defiance, aggression, or dishonesty may actually stem from feeling unsafe or a lack of stability. For example, imagine taking a child with you to your neighborhood store, and during your shopping, they steal a small trinket or a piece of candy. Your immediate reaction would most likely be anger and shame. But instead of reacting, what if you took a deep breath to calm yourself and ask yourself, instead of the child, why did this happen? Ask yourself, “What are they trying to tell me?” This shift in perspective will help you build the trust needed for healing.
Perhaps the child in your care has become withdrawn, and you feel disconnected. You wonder what you may have done wrong. Instead of passing that guilt on to the child, you could say, “I see you need some space right now. I’m just going to sit here on the couch and read my book.” This shows that you accept the child in whatever mood they may be in and that you are available when they need you. Children who have experienced trauma and loss often have feelings of rejection or abandonment. The good news is that just being in the same room helps build connection.
Our goal as parents and caregivers is to create a safe environment where children feel heard, seen, and understood, even when they are not at their best. When you validate their complex emotions, you become the safe space that they need.