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Divided loyalties are common in out-of-home care. They start when a child is torn between the need to feel safe and connected with the temporary caregiver and the feelings of being disloyal to their family. Divided loyalty struggles result in additional anxiety, confusion, guilt, shame, and acting-out behaviors for children and youth who are already traumatized.
The best way to avoid divided loyalties is for the child to see both families working together for their benefit. Mutual respect, kindness, honest communication, and a bit of effort can create an environment where children can heal and thrive. The suggestions below will help parents build the kinds of relationships that make kids experiencing family separation feel loved and secure–rather than torn and guilty.
- Be warm and welcoming
- Support contact with the child’s family
- Reassure parents that your intention is to work collaboratively with them to get their child home
- Show genuine care and concern for the parent(s) as well as the child
- Speak kindly to/about one another
- Validate the child’s feelings, while offering reassurance
- Invite opportunities for open communication and connection (school events, appointments, special occasions)
Do you have a great relationship with the family of a child you’re caring for? We’d love to hear your story. Share with us at info@coalitionforcyf.org
Recommended Resources
From the Resource Library
- Shared Parenting: Putting the Needs of Children First
- Shared Parenting Starts With Strong Communication Skills
- Virtual Resource Kit: Working with Birth Parents
- Birth Parent and Caregiver Partnerships: Working Together to Support Reunification
Learn in the Champion Classrooms
- Comfort Calls & Communication: Compassionate Child Placement
- Co-parenting through Connection Course
- Working in Partnership with Birth Parents
Hear from No Matter What Families