When Compliments Feel Overwhelming: Supporting Children With Trauma

“I love the scene you set up to arrange your dinosaur toys. I noticed you are very creative.”

The girl blinked. Her shoulders slumped. She looked down at the floor and quickly changed the subject. “That’s a stegosaurus. And that one’s a pterodactyl.” A few weeks later, she built another elaborate dinosaur land. They were laid out immaculately. This time, she kept glancing up, checking to see if anyone noticed. She had heard the compliment before, but didn’t know what to do with it.

Fingers holding green happy smile face paper cut

For some children with trauma, compliments can feel strange or stressful. This can be due to a variety of factors. They may not be used to genuine praise. Maybe they rarely heard it. Perhaps it was used to control them, or it simply wasn’t part of daily life. So, when a caregiver offers a sincere compliment, the child may not know how to respond or may even shut down.

That doesn’t mean parents and caregivers should stop offering praise. It means that they should offer it in ways that feel safer and more consistent. Here are a few strategies that can help:

  • “I noticed …” instead of “You are …”:
    • Saying, “I noticed how creatively you arranged your dinosaurs,” emphasizes something they did. Some kids find words like “good” or “smart” hard to internalize or believe.
  • Don’t just say it. Show it.
    • A high five. A sticky note on a mirror that says, “Your knock-knock jokes really made me laugh.” Or sometimes even a simple gesture, like a hug, can feel more approachable and authentic than words.
  • Take your cues from the child.
    • If the child ignores the compliment or changes the subject, don’t push it. They’ll receive it when they’re ready. Keep showing your appreciation with consistent, authentic, and low-pressure praise.

Over time, consistent and safe compliments and praise will help build connection. Even when your child doesn’t show it, your words and actions matter. They are listening.

Recommended Resources

Tip Sheets

Training From Champion Classrooms